Hope in Conflict

As a very new kindergarten teacher about a hundred years ago (at least it sometimes feels that way), I worked with two other kindergarten teachers who had the completely opposite viewpoint on how kindergarten should be taught.

In defense of both of these teachers, they were excellent educators and their children and families loved them. However, one leaned about as far to the left of stressing play and allowing time for children to “be ready to learn” as one can get, while the other believed the exact opposite: that kindergartners need to learn to sit in desks, listen and follow directions well, and have very neat penmanship. Our grade level meetings were tense at times as these two seasoned veterans discussed educational standards and scope & sequence, trying to be polite, but never really able to agree with each other.

And there I was - the new young teacher in the middle - questioning which side I should choose, or at least which side I should be leaning toward. I often said that my choice to move on to first grade was more to remove myself from this situation than anything else. 

Conflict. Taking sides. The challenging part is that when there are two sides so many of us feel that we have to choose a side. Worse yet, it often becomes the thing that separates us: it’s MY belief is the right one, and yours is wrong.

Just as I felt stressed by that back in the 1980s as a teacher, I feel stress in that now, as a Catholic US citizen. It feels as though we’re picking sides - and whichever side you choose you’ve put yourself into that group, and now you’re either “right” or you’re “wrong”. 

The problem is that these issues aren’t 100% right or 100% wrong. 

The kindergarten teachers with whom I worked taught me that BOTH SIDES are doing what they do and believing their beliefs because they care about the education of children. They both loved teaching. They both wanted the best for their students. They both sought to grow as educators and to be the best teachers they could be.

It gives me hope to remember that (am I being naive here?) all people want the best for our country and our world. All people want others to be happy and healthy; we all want others to be treated fairly. We just have different ways of getting there. I believe this. I believe if asked, most people would say that they want every person to have a fair shot in life.

And yet, suddenly we're being told to take sides. And we have media outlets, spokespeople and politicians telling us that our side is right and "those other people" are wrong. Because, you know, you just can't be a little of each, right? 

This is what scares and frustrates me in our country right now. It's not the disagreeing. It's not that there are huge issues to solve. The thing I am scared and frustrated by is that people feel so compelled to take a side, and then to disavow anyone who has a different belief.

Several years ago while taking classes for my media specialist degree I was in a children's literature class. I sat between two women with whom I'd shared many classes. We often studied or grabbed lunch together, and I liked them both.

I happened to be sitting between them in class when a very heated debate about the current book took place. These two were arguing, raising their voices to get their point across, when one of them leaned in front of me, pointed her finger at the other, and declared, "Well, you just think that because you're stupid!"

Can you imagine the shock in the classroom? Everyone was stunned. I was shaken, and leaning back in my chair, almost expecting them to start physically fighting. 

But Sue, the woman in the other chair? She burst out laughing. 

Yes, she burst out laughing, and pretty soon - a little uncomfortably at first - the entire class erupted in laughter.

I give Sue so much credit for her response. Rather than take offense, she accepted her friend's outburst and recognized that their disagreement had nothing to do with their friendship.

One Christmas when my mother was visiting we had a large family gathering where we were all around one big table. As the meal progressed we got into a very boisterous conversation where there was some real disagreement and controversy. I have no idea now what it was that we were discussing, but I remember that the conversation could be considered "heated". 

After the meal, as we were cleaning up, my mother - who was widowed and lived alone - pulled me aside. "I love that," she told me. "I love having those conversations where we are challenged to think deeply about what we believe, even if it means there are differences. I didn't realize that I missed that so much."

I love that too. I love hearing what others think. I love listening to a person sharing their convictions so strongly. 

And I love that, at the end of the meal, we all are still family. We all love each other and accept each other. And we know that, even if we don't always agree, we always respect all those at the table - and nothing they can say will make us lose the belief that they say what they say because they want what's best for the world.

So, can we quit taking sides and start listening to each other?